What it is to be an artist – my tiny point of view

• Blah thought

It has been a few days since I have sat down to write. I guess I am just feeling a bit blah. I am not sure as to why or how to dig myself out of this particular (small) hole, but I am trying. After uprooting my life, rearranging it all to fit a new happiness, I am still not sure how to harness, I find myself looking back on all that makes me sad. I hate that I do that but, enviably, I think it is somewhat necessary to. You see who you were, how you handle some situations are not the same now and for the better. Some people are not in my life anymore and that is sad. I wish them well and hope they are healthy. I miss the life we could have had.

But, I am here now. Far away from old drowning relationships, separated by space and time from the home I retreated into when life was too much.

The pressure of production can be crippling. The question of where my livelihood will come from, where do I even start and who even cares is at the forefront of my brain. I sit here typing on my fancy computer, living a life some dream of and I am still in my damn head. How do I turn this brain into somewhat of a retreat? Think happy, excepting thoughts damn it!

Forcing productivity is never the answer for me. I have to create as it feels right. I must be inspired. I have come to realize that the health and wellness of my creativity I place in the happiness of those around me, as I am working on that, I still struggle. How can I even possibly create and share when there is laundry to be done, bills to be paid, and a home to run?

Trying to make time in between the reality moments to ground, finding beauty in the mundane is a passion of mine even if the passion wains.

All I want to do is frolic in the forest, smell the flowers, and create grand (to me) artwork. Is that so much to ask??

Maybe a simple shower will shake this feeling of being lazy. Maybe washing the sheets will help. Or maybe it will just prolong my crazies, confirming I am stuck with these anxious thoughts until I die. I choose to release them and find joy in the depression (it’s not depression if I’m not sad). Sitting inside everyday isn’t helpful either.

Artist dates need to be reinstated and it needs to happen immediately. Let us bring out our old copy of the artist way and lets finish it. I have a message that I want to share- Get out of your own way. Simple as that!

Here I go, I am taking my own advice and will state with a simple trip to the grocery store for some bread, but let’s romanticize it- Going to the market on a grey pnw afternoon to retrieve fresh bread for my family. There, that’s much better…. I guess.

Finding yourself and learning what self-acceptance and self-love feels like after never having that my 35 years in the body has proven the most difficult. Always thinking that you’re never going to be good enough because that’s what you’ve been told at such an early age is heartbreaking. How do I implement such joy and acceptance when I don’t even know how to do that for others. I can be rather judgmental, maybe we all can. Let’s move away from judging ourselves therefore we will move away from judging others. An accepting way of life is the life I want to lead.

A sporadic message following the full moon with the eclipse in pices. Emotions and clarity is what keeps coming up. 10:10 on the clock like it’s a sign from the divine. I hear you and I know that I will enviably find my own path and I hope I can help those behind me. I will leave breadcrumbs and trail markers that read, “danger ahead, a mirror lies”, or, “Rough terrain” Just to prepare you. I had to stumble through the trail, tripping and falling as I go. Being my own mother, grandmother, father, and friend. I am multifaceted so they say. I hate it but this is my destiny. I feel it so deeply. I am meant to heal what I have not broken; I am meant to mend what other have broken. I think I am finally coming to terms with this, and I accept that this is my gift to give. I want to lift others up, especially woman who have no one to cheer them on. How to start is the real question. For now, I think I will start here and with my little videos and my social media post. This regression is necessary, I know, for a propulsion of grow. Hell, I didn’t move 1,500 miles away from the only place I’ve known for no reason. Look out world, here I come, but maybe tomorrow for I need a respite from my mind today.

Love,

Fern